December 3rd, 2006

Matt Leffler

night's disclaimer

So I am watching a stupid teeny bopper movie and david and I agreed on the phone it was stupid.  But as I watch it I see similiar things in my life.  A wounded heart, meets another in a bad time .... but in this movie the girl (me) steps back and realizes she does keep people at arms length.  And she says to herself, I am not going to be afraid anymore.  I actually told Brent ( I know little reason to mention him but he did shape a lot of me at this point ) I told Brent my short comings were due to fear.  And I am not going to be afraid anymore.

The boy I like has done everything I would want...and actually surprised me a tad in the past couple weeks and so thats why tonight is kinda interesting.  

But here is the wounded guy talking "tonight will be our first night out in public and he will disappoint me.  People act totally different when others are is there defenses.  I will lose tonight." And then there is the old Matt pretoday Matt.  "He has over achieved until tonight, and tonight he'll continue to surprise and enchant.

I'll tell you which Matt wins.  But both Matts agree, nothing is gained if you dont put yourself in a situation that calls on another person to do what they will.  You'll never win, unless you lose control.  Risk...opens opportunity.  Safe means the same thing you have now. 
Matt Leffler

We are strong.

Isnt it awesome. Windows media player. Jordan made it to the front door as the bar closed and my phone was dead. He could have, I could have...but neither of us could have called.  My phone died.  And David in all his underlying jealousy took me out of there.  I arrived home to plug my phone in and there was a message from Him.   I like him.  But...I wont accept anything less than what I'll give.
I tried to play the fray but it computer skipped ahead to .... your love is my would take a turn to break us" and I thought of the one who put in the time with me who doesnt talk to me anymore cause I focused on someone else........I thought of Brandon.  He is and was a mess.  But he was my mess.  He and I were a team.  He may have been whatever.  But he was and IS the only boy I have dated that took the idea of us to the highest level.  I've loved so many in my life...I have continously allowed others to fail me...and they have...except...Brandon stayed in the game for 3 years and everyone else fail apart before A YEAR,  Brandon may have been an addict, but he still stood by me.  And thats something I remember and something I look for.  See.............................................................................


IF YOU CAN BEAT 3 YEARS THEN YOU HAVE REACHED THE COMPRIMISE THE DEVOTION I HAD.  SEE.................................I AM A FOOL FOR CARING ABOUT BRENT BEI NG AROUND.  JUST LOOK AT ME.  I HAD ONE GUY FOR THREE YEARS.  No one can beat that until 2010 if they start now.  Fuck everyone.  I enjoy Jordan, and david builds me up, Derrick in his shadows is always around and Brent changed me forever..........but Brandon was my guy for 3 years.  I may be a mess but none of my friends can claim they loved the same boy for three years.  NONE.  So as I stop feeling sorry for myself.  Cause jordan will return....and still he has 3 years to reach more than anyone I have dated................

It is all good.  I have fallen quick for Brent.  And I have fallen for Brandon over years and lived with him.........and so few have had that and thats why....I can go to bed tonight and know.

Sure.  Tonight I may be alone.  But I know what it is like to comprise, I know what it is like to wish and I know what it is like to be surprised.  Sorry...but I have really high standards.  Look at the peple I dated.  And realize.........It will take a lot to reach them.

Just saying. If you and I date, and we look at each other years later and say ... I love you in front of others.....then we have surpased the limits I have hit.  I'll know your awesome.  I will worship you,  I'll support you and I'll know your rare.  At this time .... all I have found are friends.  And I look at people like Brandon and I see your faults and I know after all these years you knew mine and then....only then will I know I found what I seek.  A husband.  I feel sorry for you.........David and derrrick.  You all dont understand me.  And you cant.  You never will.  See in Brent I saw everything.  In Brandon I had everything.  I have loved, and I was loved in return. And as great as the people I know are...they are affraid.  They escape comittment.   But as life progresses I seem to be losing my hold on life.    ....   see .....

Let me say.  I'm richer than anyone I know.  I know.  My love is his love, and it took a journey to break us...but it was our love.  And seriously few understand that.  Additionally few understand me and Brent.  See.  I am so wealthy a man.  I had it all.  And I loved it all.  And ... oddly I still have it all.  Brandon, Brent.  Now.....I deserve nothing less than meeting the mix of these two... The years will pass me and the next by...and no matter how old we get it will be okay cause we will truely have each other.  I long for Brent.  but I long for Brandon.  The love, the commitment.  The two so special the two so unique the two under understood by my friends.  And while I may seem to miss yesturday I am set better than my friends David and derrick for loving the boy of tomorrow.  I have sought pitty and I have shown dispair....but I should look at them and hope they are as lucky as me, and I will stay patient and be ready for the future. No one else is as ready as I am.   I love them all, and I can not wish anything else on any of them.....I have a full plate now.  And I am the one to carry it.  With all of them thinking it doesnt hit me.

*****************************************************************Fuck all that...this is actually important, no one mentioned yet is important!**********************************************************************

OH.....BTW.....Negative news here.  You know my grandmother has cancer. She had her surgery FYI this past week, my mother called me and told me she also has a lump in her breast and with the family history of her mother and her sister having had cancer she is ready.   Our doctors at Veterans Hospital say grandma is a tad too thin and skinny for her radition.  So we are trying to make here gain weight.  So I just want to note.  My grandmother, my mother are both fighting and if I have any of their genes ..... we WILL win.  I'll step aside, ignore the saturday night and I'll be next t0 them.  WE ARE LEFFLERS.  WE NEED FEW.  WE EXPECT FEW. AND WE RISE BACK.   So ... unselfishly.  I go to bed.  I pray for Letica.  And I pray for Vivian.  These two mean so much.  These two taugh me so much.  And these two have the strength I rely on.   I love them.  I rely on them.  And these two above all ... these are the ones that make me aware of the fact I am Matt Leffler.  You all had whoever, but I had them, and that was nothing less than a miracle.  I will honestly admit I cried a lot about my grandmother, and in the next week thats when my mother will hit me......but as much as my friend are to me.....I have them.....I have a family.  And I will show them the devotion I would have....for another in my life.  

SO....yes.  I am back.  I am confident.   I cant answer for stupid but I can stand by what made me who I am.  And I am proud of them, as I am proud of me and believe me..........each Leffler will rise again.  I Love few people.  I love more people than love me.  But tonight my mother told me she has breast cancer.  She didnt want to tell anyone becuase only a month ago my grnadmother was diagnoised with breast cancer.

I love her.  I love my grandmother.  I would give my mother and my grandmother each an additional 20 years of my life.  I need them.  I cant lose either of them.  They helped make me and I am not done needing them.  I cant go to bed thinking they will watch me from heaven.  I need them, I need them here.  I Love them, I cant make it without them.  Kidney, lung, what have you....I'd not need a moment to donate a part of me to them.

We are strong and we always win.

Side bar....if we are great friends and this is all news to you....then in all honesty...YOU SUCK

I mean not so close frineds learn stuff by my journal but if we call each other close friends and you learn more about me here,,,,then you most likely suck.  But I'll ignore it in will see a smile, and I'll ignore any real conversation of substance cause why should we have talk about real life when you only ask how things are in a superficial place other than when I already tell people what is right and what is wrong in my life?   but I also will put my earphones on sooner when we "hang" out.  I  will continue to say all is well infront of you.....cause how can I be me in front of you?  Obviously...only'll see it.

Sorry.  I like boy A and I tell boy B everything.  And boy B is the only one asking.  If your boy C .... then you are just another guy reading my thoughts.  Boys C, D and on get the cleaned up version and hey most of them want that version.  So I wont disappoint you.......just read and there you just defined yourself as A B or C.
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