December 9th, 2006

Matt Leffler

so anyhow....

...I was typing and I lost everything so I will just type quicker.  Last time I left a message I was going to talk about someone.  But he showed up just as I typed so I hit send and went to him.  Point of everything I would have said .... I have things to say but he does more than I say when I see him.  I cant type it.  Expect B and he gives D.  So ... whatever.  He over achieves.

Say I want him to go out with me.  He does.  SAY I want to see him....he calls into work.  Say I wanna hear beautiful words and kiss a person who enchants me......he does.  We were curled up in bed and I excused myself to go to the bathroom and when I returned I slipped back under the covers and kissed the back of his neck and slided my hand down his shoulder and felt each muscle and marveled at each part of his body and then I found his hand he squeezed it and I went to his pants but I found simple flesh.  When I was in the bathroom he lost that pants and he lost the underwear....this is the boy I like.  This is a boy who surprises me.

But I surprised a lot now.  My mom who is a nurse practioner focusing in womens heal.  The one who explained to me grandmas cancer isnt bad.  Is the one who tells me hers .... she doesnt know but she needs surgery again.  Thats a quiet lie.  A lie we tell others we love.  One we use when we know the other is sensitive.  I got drunk on Saturday and I messaged the ones I need the ones I love.  I called her.  She answered in her sleep and I told her to hangup and I needed to leave a message.  I said what I needed too.  She called back the next fighting back tears and said honey I need you to be strong.  I loved your message and I love you too.  But I am positive and I need you to be postive now.  And I saved that message.  Worried.  How many more times can I know my mother has a message from me crying telling her I need her.  How many messages will I get from her telling me she needs me.  She has her second surgery.  She still hasnt answered my question ... how bad is it.    

i have been a wimp about my life and now the two most important women in my life battle cancer.  Grandma's radiation is postponed cause she doesnt have the weight she needs,  Mom will not admitt to me the level of the cancer.  And I think how horrible of a person I am and how can anyone live knowing me,  I have no innocence.  I have lost it all along here and I pray to god he still hears me.  I needed them all this year over and over again and i wonder is god taking someone from me to teach me to be a man?

I went out wednesday and left early to be with the romance I have.  And tonight I left early cause I had no reason I could see to be out.  I have the job.  I have the romance.  And I have the family issues.  I need to change.  I need to reliaze that today  may be my last, may be their last.  The Brent / Matt factor is so ignorant and eclipsed now.  I walk through my life as though everything is the same, but I know nothing is the same.  I see people....I ignore and I internalize but then I see a person hurt by the last love and I express my feelings to them and hope them everything.
grandmother.
I know what is wrong.  And I try to change everything but i cant.  I am a control freak with no control here.  I couldnt control my last relationship.  I cant help my grandmother.  I cant help my mother.  All I can do is be selfish and tell them I need them only adding to their burden.  I self relaize again I am a burden.  I self associate that knowing I need them maybe they will over come and I know maybe they cant and I think .... where did I go wrong?

I am the King of illusion.  I am crippled by a boy.  I start to get over it.  Grandma gets sick.  I hold a head up.  Mom gets sick and returns bad news.  I hold a head up....I hold the one best to hold me closer.  I wish I knew best.  But all I can do is stay in the fight ... they need me, they cant deal with my crappy shit.  They have real issues.  They mean so much to me that there stuff is my stuff.  But I try to under play it.  I know I am nothing without them ... I cry for them.  I call David crying in the night.  And ... I wonder how I can save them?  I can do anything and I can't do anything.  I am so fucked up and I am so bitter and I am seeing .... what life is through them.  I see grace I see courage and I see what I need to be in them.

I am 28.  I've never been to a funeral.  I went to a memorial for my uncle a wonderful man ... but i have never lost my strength and my strength is well known.  Grandma, Mom, Dad, David, Derrick.  These are the ones .... I am losing my grip on too many.  
Matt Leffler

Saturday

So I am up.  Went out last night to Q with David and Joey.  Before we hit the bars they had to argue over which had the nicer xmas tree? :-)  Not sure I am heading out tonight.  Different variables play into that decision.  
I may just settle in for the evening and tinker around the house.  I watched "Happy Texas" yesturday. Cute movie.  Jordan wants me to see Prozac Nation so that could be a nights mission.