January 1st, 2007

Matt Leffler


wow....wow to all the world.

wow... i out my key in the gate and it will not release it. wow...cause i need it for the second door before i get to my apartment door. dont worry i crawled through a window of another apartment to get to the next door. i am bitter. jordan was too friendly. i am not impatient. he just isnt into me. so i was pissed. no i got over the door, i called my landlord who accused me of breaking the door. i told him it was my key stuck in the door and i went through a window and out and apartment to get to my apartment to open that door and i .. am pissed at jordan and i shouldnt hang out with him. i also shouldnt hang out with david cause he was of no friendship use tonight, basically,....tonight......i was on my own, i made it and i got home on my own and all the rest really show very little use.

if i am smart i'll ignore everyone cause no onr with my number is worth answering. god...i welcome the trial ... fuck you of course...but i will make it
Matt Leffler

40:4 Jan. 1 2007: Life in Mono

"fuck you of course. " :-) lol. Okay so I'll admitt I was a tad peed last night. Sorry journal. No FU. Sometimes I get mad and then its everyones fault. But I am up now. Sober. Caught a glance at myself in the mirror and thought ... hmm ... i did look good last night. and Jordan is still on my dont call list. :-) Also why did Chris keep sticking his tounge down my throat last night? It was kinda weird cause I can name 4 people he kissed right before. lol ... he said he was having a night to be trashy. I think he got that goal. :-)

Welcome 2007. I am determined to make this year better. Even in my typical weekly drunk melt down I reconcilled with some old friend. Progress aye? I seem to have this "before I go I have a bridge to burn" mind set when I am out at the bar on Saturdays. Its a sign I am getting old and bitter. Maybe I need to start playing bingo on saturday nights?

Brent came up in discussion at the bar. I didnt start it. I am proud I quickly thwarted that topic as a dead issue with little reason to ponder anything but an end. The person who brought him up tried to insist and I just was like...umm...I think I finally have more pressing issues in life than the one of someone who left almost a year ago. I get snaps for that one. 1 Kings 13:8 =

But the man of God answered the king, "Even if you were to give me half your possessions, I would not go with you, nor would I eat bread or drink water here.

I work the next several nights. I plan to just stay quiet and hide out there. I have completed my move to the new apartment and I have to say I like the change very much. I honestly had gotten the 2 bedroom apartment in the thought that Brent would have the other starting this month. Keep in mind it was July when i picked it and yes I was very much a fool. Asleep to reason. Wide awake now. Thats probably the downfall of Jordan. Remember Tony? He was an item of discussion for a month back in August. I have to say Brent shaped a lot and one of the things he helped me with was letting go of prospective lovers pretty easy. Ironic, since I held on to him for so long even after he was gone. But I guess it comes down to ... I loved this one so much and lost him, so your not hard to lose.

Jordan is a very attractive guy. But he doesn't really kiss me the way I want. No real passion. None at all. More passion was in the kiss I got from Chris and that was mixed with like 5 people's spit. Brian was all about messing anything up last night. It was obvious that he was trying to use Jordan to get me back for his ex Jordan. (Whom years ago I helped when Brian kicked him out) Job 30:12 =

On my right the tribe attacks;
they lay snares for my feet,
they build their siege ramps against me.

Oh and since I like to reference my journal as the Book of Matthew with biblicalish chapter and verses I figured it would be cute to sprinkle a bit of real bible verses. Its a new year. A new apartment. Only one bedroom not an extra serving as the reminder of a missing spot. I have more light and the alarm clock on my laptop plays the classic golden music of my youth and this is what wakes me each day. "Above the Clouds- Amber" was this morning's big pick. A song long associated with my ex Brandon. 3 years. We were above the clouds in more than one way. but the lines are so us. "remember the arguements we employed, the lines we drew and crossed? If we'd have known how hard it was would we have set out together? But now I look into your eyes and I can see happiness from here." I still love him deeply. We gave each other our foundation for what we know about relationships.

Happy New Year all.

"There is so much happiness, don't ever stop." - Above the Clouds