April 25th, 2007

Matt Leffler

41:01

Growing....

Right...the end of the longest chapter is here.  I sat there tonight and I saw what I knew.  I am over it.  I am not expecting anything of any significance from going out.  The boys there...including the one I expected there who wasnt....I have no future their.  I used to think that I'd find my next world there....I now see I just find distance there.
I'm not like the guys at the bars.  I am about to lose someone close to me and I am about to lose someone close to me.

Burt I cant for the life of me figure out how to stop this new text style.  I just know.  I am 28.  I thought I knew best.  I never grew up.  I relied on my parents to cover the gap.  And I dated what I wanted.  No matter how much we all knew it was destructive.  I still annoying kick myself cause the last one still holds everything I am....it has beeen a year and I look back and wonder where I went wrong.  

All I know is statistically I am about to lose my father or my mother.  Each the biggest fans that feed my aggorance.  No one else can fill this but I find myself sitting in hospital waiting rooms and kissing my loved ones more and closer than I have before.  I ask harder questions of the surgon...and I grab a drink afterwards cause I cant see a life without them.  See I am a Leffler.  For 28 yrs we have had no worries...and...just as I live my life .... all of this hit at one time. 

I'll hold up my end of acting like normal, just as they and our family style asks,........but I know.......as I look at my mom with no hair and as I look at my dad with a bag on his side, things are falling apart for me acting like a kid.

I am closer to something I don't know each day.
Matt Leffler

41:02

Sorry I couldnt take the text style of my last entry.  It was annoying the heck out of me and it wasnt worth my time to figure out.  

Here is the message.  Anyone I have been after at this point is substandard to me.  I need to ignore the obvious failure of interest and I need to move on.  I am losing enough and I dont need to look back....I can see a future and I know that it apparently wont hold the ones I looked back at.  So to the side issues, I dont care.  I have real things to conquer.   This may sound stupid or random but to the people who know they are side issues it is news....and to the people I havent found...they'll know that yesturday's people have pasted.  It is a reinvent.  The past is old and has taken little more than its toll.  So If I liked you....your an example to me probably of poor distribution of attention.
Matt Leffler

(no subject)

So I figured out last night that ...

my next boyfriend cant have

1. Slept with Greg
2. Slept with Ron
3. Hangout with Thomas Carrier's group.

thats all I ask.
Matt Leffler

(no subject)

  • Proverbs 23:20f: "Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat, for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags." 

    Welp off to the bar.