July 9th, 2007

Matt Leffler

awakenings

I am sitting here...alone and reminded.  Of the movie Awakenings.  Watching it I see and know life is a gift.  None of us expect to be beyond that....beyond life.  Beyonding living.  I see in the movie and am reminded how the feeling of life can be created by the human touch.  Will can be restored by just another.  But if thats what turns us back on ... then it is Transient.  A life of ticks.  To steal a line from the movie.... "I know it isn't 26, but I need it to be."  
I've been acused of living in my past, but maybe thats because that is when I felt a live.  Thats when I felt a touch that awoke me.  And thats my quest, to feel a live.  To recapture when I didnt question tomorrow but I felt today...I didnt ask why then.  
Most of my friends are from another time.  I miss then ... and I fight to recapture then.  I wonder what could have been.  The hight of me was 2002.  The hight of my love and the personal touch was Brent.  What could have been if I saw him and touched him then.   What stupid thing would I have done to discard all I had.  As my grandfather says ... "Grow too old, too fast."  I feel it.  I'm not out of my twenties and I feel I've misstepped.  I've lost so many gifts...and I try to repeat things only to find that I've changed.  The innocent have today, the learned ... like me ... know what should be ... but thats only cause today is yesturday.
So sure....some claim I long for then....and I do.  Jordan's not the guy for me....he wont ever be.  But his transient touch reminds me of what I knew.