August 12th, 2007

Matt Leffler

Not seeing how thats what I was trying to do

So bitch ass.   ...   no by proxy of course.  I'm just pointing out how you read my journal and still ask someone else who you knew since sept 27 i have been into.... and you still ask him and not me to hang out.  It is bigger than him....it is me and you and you read this shit obviously and you still invite him and not us out.  So .... what ever.  Its like Brent is sitting down at Q and your trying to make him feel better.  We will admitt I am still pissed at that and ... you know what your doing ... and so do I.  Dont call me a friend .... its obvious I've called you that too long.  Cause you dont call me that.

So moving on.  I saw a few prospects worth mention.  But I seem to dare not mention them least the assholes who read my journal and live here will follow suit.  It is okay.  These people, they try ... and even when I acted like an ass in the past, they lost.  They sought this one and they sought that one.  And....I mourn the loss of this one and that one....and they still don't know the embrace, I talk about.  Let the vutures crawl for there bread crumbs.

I can move on.  I can find the vision I can call my own.  Heck I dont seek out someone that offers not a lot to lean on ... and I still move forward, propelled by the desperation of others, moved forward by my own will....seeking....the one I'll be happy with.  Still havent found him.  

Sure I have so much to be happy with .... but in all obvious spots .... nothing more than lost expectations.  

All I seek .... is what I havent found.  The one.  I came so close.  I've tasted what so few have....I've felt the embrace.   I can continue.  I dont care that assholes read this and seem to use it as there cross world puzzle of failures.  Thats fine.  I know ... I have him, I'll find him....we will be together and each of the others was nothing more than the building towards excepting them .... all of them.... the ones I've loved, the ones I dislike....all of them have prepared me for someone.  And ... when I find Him.  I'll be beyond all.  I'll have all.  I'll need nothing, cause this is what I've prayed for since I was 16.  It takes sometime to realize .... a blessing.  The last one.....was.....a blessing.....and I know the next will be so much more.

Many nights we have all prayed.  For something we barely understood....so much to fear .... but we moved so many mountains in what we all have done.  And .... the One .... is the hope...that cant be killed.  We will find it.  When we believe.
 Who knows what mircales are ahead ... I've meet and loved ... Brandon ... for 3 years we dated....and still he is so much to me.  David Doyle.....was never mine.....but I'd be there in an instance.  Over 7 years knowing him...and loving him.  Derrick ... ha!  Thought he was older but his drthe19 was not about his age....but I was blessed with him....and Brent.....a guy who was obviously going to leave....but who so completed everything.  Who can not be happy and glad with the past love the past lips you've touched.  God I have so much to hold some one else too....who can be mad at people like Josh.  His life has been a play of nothing.  Mine has been one of everything....everytime....I lay next to someone and say I love them and they say the same.....I have something.   And I keep that something.  Thats why its so hard now....cause ..... I've had so much......



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so few can claim such a herioc love life in so few years.  They werent lust.  I had lust.  I know lust.  I know love.  I can see it...I can taste it.  I KNow with in the next year....I'll find it....and he will say tell me the same thing.  Cause the greatest thing really is to love, and be loved in return.

I read my journal entry ... I saw the mistakes....were I called myself we....were I screwed up this and that....but you dont understand.....I dont fix these things.  This isnt for you.  I appreaciate others read my journal.....but I dont write for anyone but myself.  So .... sorry .... there will be errors.  Both in content....context....and.....conspelling.  ( I made that word up but its my journal ... so get over it)

So anyway...since I stopped being a meth addict...I've hated...what I see in pictures.  I just dont know....do I want to be the cute guy who does meth, or do I want to be the stable....guy....I dont like in pictures.  Brent stopped it.  Thats why I know ... I am not an addict ... I can do it for 5 years.... 8 ball after another....and then... I meet him...he says no...so I stop.  But ....can I move on with out him?  With out him ... can I do what I didnt do with out him? 

Why is it that ... everything...all I've done ... I still see one of my exes.  I still love him.  I still see him.  I still want the best for him .... I can't really talk about love.... with out talking about him.  I just dont know.  He is so wonderful ... and I still desire what we had .... I can't find it ..... but then we hang out ... and I see him .... I Love him .... I want everything for him .... and I wish I could be everything for him ... and I don't try cause I want so much for him ... I want more for him than me.

You see I see him.  And then I see me.  And I know he deserves so much more.  I make goals...I try to play like  do this for that and this....and everything ... still semms to end for him.   Its kinda fucked up.  How do you ever deal with ... how do you ever acept someone .... who you want to be better than you for someone.  You see yourself as the best personality and the flawed person for him.  How can you put anyone with that person?  ....   I just sit back ... another flaw.   I dont fight.  I dont do all I think he deserves.   I just play politics....I play games with other guys .... I can't touch who I think he needs.  I can't.   But ... in the end ... who can be the right guy for the guy you really love?

To steal a moment....."I come from the country and I know I aint seen it all.  My love is deeper than the holler and stronger than the river, purer than the snow falkes that fall in late december."  Some run from the country....I like it.  I am glad I was from here...cause I know what a holler is.  I know .... how honest a robin is....I know...whats its like to see a deer in a drive home....I know....how strong I feel about someone.  I dont know how chicago boys love...nor New York ones......I just know......I love.  I actually told someone sincd Brent ... I loved them.  I do.  I dont know this or that...I barely know where my keys are....I don't know when I work next ... but I know...who I love.   I dont ask for it in return, I just know....I feel somehow about someone.....and...I just know them.  I just know how I feel.