December 12th, 2007

Matt Leffler

34:05 Note to public

If your the guy who came out tonight in the navy blue/black shirt that others said you were a UofL cheerleader...I'd really enjoy taking you out to dinner.  Sorry, I was and am ... still too tipsy to say it in person but, respectfully I'd like to see more of you. 
Matt Leffler

34:05 Give me a break...and a flip note

 This is a quick yet seedy posting.  If you see someone on a web site that is an obvious hook up site......(obvious can be easy distinguished by the lack of chat rooms) don't message your friends with "hey how are you doing messages."  In the old days fags hooked up in bath houses and parks, and if you were walking by you didnt yell into the woods...."Hey bob how are you?" If you noticed his car.  It is stupid.  It comes down to common sense.  Lets try a quick workshop here .... 
Bob has never hit on you.  Bob is on a site tonight.  The site doesn't ask what music you does ask how big is your penis and how do you like to use it?  You see Bob on it. you message Bob who you have met in person and say how are you doing?  .............   Answer ........... NO.  Bob isn't looking to be bothered and yes annoyed by you. If he was you'd find him on a site that included a chat room.  But sites such as Manhunt and Adam4Adam don't have chat rooms.  And sure some idiots suggest they are there just for chat but lets face it, there aren't any chat rooms on these sites. etique seems to not suggest this so I will...leve them alone.  They aren't talking to you and they obviously aren't looking to build a conversation with you.  DAH.  
Fucking weirdos...sorry just bored with friendly messages by others when I go to the bar and leave myself online to these sites and come home to people that I am not going to sleep with but now I feel like I have to respond.  I'm not.  If you see me and and about making out with someone and obviously about to go home with them and you say "Hi" your going to see me ignore your stupid self.  
Its like walking in on someone going to the bathroom.  There pants are down and rather than close the door you want to ask whats up?  People .... use your brains!   What has happened here?  I know this sounds slutty but .... we all do it and come on, give me break! 
And on a related side note.  Don't try to carryon a conversation with me if you don't have a picture.  This is  lust driven world and I was nice enough to post a couple of my own on there so when you message with out one and claim your "in the closet" I probably wont care.  All I know is your fine with gaining extra info on me which you used to determine whether to message me and now you expect me to respond to nothing?  Again .... idiots.  Sorry .... just annoyed at what we all deal with I think. 

Flip note...

At Oak and fourth there is a Presbyterian church.  I pass it often on my way to work and think ... I should check it out on Sunday  Just as I don't like going out alone I always think who'd go there with me and I think of Jordan.  Both of us in my mind are gay rock stars in this little Louisville scene but both talked about going to church together when we lived at the same place.  I remember walking around my apartment one night and him coming in from the pool and asking me if I was whistling "It is well with my soul" and smiling and saying yes ... didn't know you were in here.  Both of us having this underlying desire to find that past peace we had with church in our lives.

Long time ago before many of my friends knew me I lead bible studies.  I took joy and peace in what I learned.  I was pulled and someways thrown from that feeling by those I looked up too because of there beliefs in something that I couldn't change and I tried to fight.  I was gay and I loved the lord and I loved worship, I sat in my pew with the rest of the youth and I totally believed in what I was a part of ... and then I felt robbed of that peace by the ones that built my praise, I was a baptist....I was gay.  For years I fought it, and it has been a decade since I sat in a church on Sunday and experienced that chance to dress up and display my desire to believe in something that I couldn't see ... and they took that from me.  

I try to be a man of the world.  I display such secular desires in grand demonstration ... but I still have "As the deer" and "Our god is an awesome god" in both my music collection and in my mind.  You can find me at work singing these songs, and while it seems a joke ... it is a display that while so many christians would judge my life I still came from that background.  I came from the world that you knew what you were doing on Sunday ... worship in the morning and choir in the evening, and I came from a background that I knew that the bible study was going to be at my house on Monday and on Wednesday night I'd be at church.   Why do I think that church on fourth and oak might be different?  Cause there is a woman who is listed as the pastor.  I don't know why I trust women more, but I see it in a lot of what I do.  I only vote for female judges, I usually ask for the female doctors ... maybe it is from my love for my mother, someone who was accepting of who I was, someone who tried to get me to say I was gay long before I was ready too.  

I remember getting ready next to my mother one morning.  Fixing my hair...looking in the mirror for high school and her turning to me and saying ... "If you need to tell me something you can, I'll always love you."  I think I said something about running late for school and not knowing then what she was talking about.  I remember crying at night cause I was gay and couldn't change it and her coming in asking what was wrong and telling her it was just stress.  She was always there showing that support.  And ... while I talk of my mother and her love ... I can't forget to mention my father.  When I was dealing with the hardest break up of my life and talking to him about the hardship in my heart ... he told me to be classy.  Not in passing, but sincerely ... he was trying to express to me that while the end was there I should try to be the best man I could be ... as he had always tried to be.  I was extremely blessed with these two accepting people, two very caring righteous people.  

So how can I be upset or challenged by anything in life?  I was taught so well and I have such a strong foundation to hold too.

Mom as some of you know has been battling and very successfully ... her stage 3 cancer.  Dad has also been battling his cancer, recently we've been dealing with problems that grew from his surgery.  He has a kidney that has failed and they've tried a few times, different things to kick start it back....none successful at this time.  He has a bag that his kidney drains into...onto of the bag that his bladder drains into and he still has such a rosey disposition about life.  I worry that I have only a few years left with him ... but I remember a song sang at his brother's funeral .... It is well, with my soul.  It is...cause no matter what is ahead, I can only celebrate that he has been my father.