April 24th, 2010

Matt Leffler

oh journal ...

I miss talking. I miss speaking and saying whats in my mind. I stopped./ cause I heard from others what I said. But my journal is my own ... and I may be 31 but I need something or someone I can talk to ... and in my life I've learned my best friend is my journal ... I have so much to update you with.

I've fallen. I've risen. In the end I'm just as lost as I was when I was 24 and writing here. I've learned nothing in my time and I and Brent Jones and Brandon Hampton have still in their time been the MEN of my existence.

I need to be my own man. I need to give it my all. Sure I feel I've been through some stuff, and yes my strength has been taken.... but I need to look to me. I need to look to someone I know. I need to fight less and I need to find myself. I dont know know if I can make it. I tried to hang myself this year and had to sign multiple "I wont hurt myself" pacts with counselors and loved ones. But ... I really want to say ... I just cant take this small ass town and its crapppy realms of so called life.

Now thar I have found my journal's passwaord again I want to say .... I call on myself and no one else, to bring the direction after giving it my all. I've seen what can call you to kill yourself, and I've seen what calls you to rise and realize when melodizes are gone you still must hear a song.
Matt Leffler

another update

I think I'm done with Mike. I love him but I am not happy with him. He and I hold each other back. I find Im fighting with him to say goodbye.