May 30th, 2011

Matt Leffler

Go

ever feel like an ass cause you want to just be alone for half an hour? ( I got a half an hour and am planning so much for these thirty minutes.)

I think I am going to listen to the music I like, not be corrected for missing a word's tense and just generally relax.

Gonna watch this video over and over cause I like the song and think the boy is cute and clever and I am alittle starved for cute and clever.





oh and Chicago update ...

Still love it. Asked Mike if he could show more emotion to suggest if he had any feelings about anything. He does seem to have opinions ... he hates this resturant, dislikes this tranny on the way home from the train, thinks I'm a push over for the homeless, thinks we should go to another gym, thinks I'm going grey, and he looks good.

And when alone, I listen to my music...I feel the rain, maybe the rain ... sometimes the sun on my face and I walk down the streets I used to visit and I am happy, pleased ... blessed and just easily get a good feeling. Its gonna be my day, its my time. I get that naturally, but when I share that I get some negative element. I started going out for dinner where I want even though he doesnt like it. Its more about me...even though I am expected and planning to fullfill his and my financial obligations.

Point ...

I'm very very pleased with where I am. I wake up and look out the window and feel joy. Then I get a comment or look to remind me that things arent neccessarily that happy. And I look for ways to be home alone for a second to experience the glad feeling.

Heck I hate the gym, but often you'll find I dragged Mike out bitching after I threaten to caqncel his membership, or went alone ... and am enjoying my jog in place to my music and just feeling the "you belong" affirmation from myself.

Grr... my point. ... I am so pleased and happy I am able to barely...barely... ignore and overlook the negative. Cause at least I'm not in Louisville, Kentucky.