Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

35:02 I need to do this more

So I need to step back into these comfortable shoes. I feel accomplished. I think I am better off and I have moved much further in life since I used to regularly post here. And it was the best of time and it was the worst of times...why else would I type?
I have developed a nack for wine and stay away from that beer stuff. Figure let the southerners swear and die by it. BTW ... I spend a lot of time proof reading these days my texts and holding off on Facebook posts ... its usually best to take time to process things. Lets make an agreement ( just misspelt agreement and corrected it ) that this is MY journal and you can stop reading if the language or spelling upsets you. So I want to talk or type more naturally...rapid and just flowing. That just came out in 10 seconds.


So I see a therapist he is a good crazy fucking guy. But it seems my biggest issue is worrying what others think...what my dad thinks. what my mom thinks what will my nephews think if I do this....what will the guy at subway think. I am actually almost disabled by worry of what some think. Daniel and I refer to this as the hallway.

Under my new work's building is a maze of stores that connect to 9 or 10 other buildings. I hadn't gone down this and that hall because I was worried what people would think when I figured out they were dead ends. What would the subway guy think if I walked by him and there was no place to go? So I always stop before that. But then that was a year ago. I have to say that I think in a year I have made so much progress. Daniel and I talk about it often ... how I used to not walk down a corridor because I didn't know what was down there ... and then with my new job sending me places I have never been ... I have to go and I have to do something where I have never been.

Mike and I were codependent. I was codependent. I needed him. Then we broke up and I went through a growing pain and I specifically remember a painting one was available for it after someone canceled...and I don't even recall who couldn't come and I doubt they matter these days. I went anyway. I put an apron on and I painted the worst Stary Night and drank some over priced wine with a bunch of divorced women but ... I had fun. I had fun alone. I enjoyed myself and I found I was forced to not care who was with me and I found it was time to be me.

Fast forward ... "Take me for who I am" work sends me alone to NYC ...a week I meet a boy....beautiful!!!! Honestly Grayson Squire is the hottest guy I met in 2013 and 2014 has a hard and big sweet challenge. But I went to NYC ... and what made me like Grayson ... beyond his simply beautiful physical persona was when he and I were in my hotel and he was like... you have to leave in the morning so lets fold your clothes and pack so you can sleep in. It seemed so foreign so different. I can't explain it...others will get it but when you have been around a lot of fucking assholes ... when someone helps plan for your comfort and blows your mind. Thats Chicago to me. Fucking assholes. Some of you were fun ... but I don't lose ANYTHING in saying that was more than I got in 30 million ( chi and NYC ) and so ya I paid to fly Grayson to Chicago TWICE.

And I got to say....he IS CRAZY! Not me. I stood there all the time thinking this beyond life gorgeous guy from Maine who shepard me through bars and I lost and found me on some roof top bar in Manhattan and who found me at my hotel and took me back to my hotel ... this guy was so so striking. Actually he was striking.....not by hand or something but ... you saw him...not just his did collect your sight....but he was so fucking perfect. If someone like him...liked someone like me then suddenly nothing would ever be the same my heart would take wing and Id feel so alive if some one like you found me. Oh and Livejournal has it all focused and fucked up on him...but thats fine beyond I look like an evil troll. But thats why Live Journal sucks and lost everyone cause you could edit pics easily and they stupidly went to save disk space and now they have my text and about 100 others.

BITCHES I gotta go find him again and fix this distance!!!!?????

If someone like hinm found someone like me suddenly nothing would ever be the same!

So not sure where this was headed but I just went balls deep in text message form to Grayson and let him know I want him near.

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