Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler
kymatt19

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39:02 A friend will not say never because the welcome never ends.

A quick note..brevity and I are not friends. A glimpse in a two man conversation I wrote out cause I'm not discussing it at a bar.

"So where are we going and why are we in this hand basket? Bout last night. It was good to see ya sorry didn’t get to speak much but you were dancing and I can appreciate living out life in movement. Its been a cold and rough winter for most of us and sometimes ya just need to dance. I’m trying not to take it as a sign of disinterest in the fact we haven’t seen one another since I let ya know I knew.

I wanna express where I’m coming from...and where I plan to go with our friendship…its not wholly my choice cause obviously you get to decide the part that you’ll play. Why not just let it be? Well…we’ve literally been friends since you were in high school…we may have missed years here and there but how many people around us in our daily lives offer nothing but companionship and knew us when we couldn’t legally drink? Few unless they are blood related. So thats why I’m talking…cause I’ve invested in you and before I say “you do you” I’m going to make sure I did my best to remain loyal in the face of (and this is how I feel) betrayal. I’m not perfect, and thats why this is important…someday I will screw up or maybe I have and not seen it…so I owe my friends forgiveness if I’m ever to get any from them.

I don’t like surprises or miscommunication so I’ll communicate. Having a four way with my lover while I’m out of town after I asked you to hang out with him because I worried you two were gonna be lonely after your recent break up and he sitting at home…isn’t the big issue. Justin cheated on me 5 times and I never broke up with him because each time it was him who told me. He was honest with me, he valued me in his life enough to do the hard thing and admit fault and ask me to forgive him…and I did because I appreciated that he loved me enough to be honest.

A sincere apology is direct and its often in person. It is specific it admits the thing that divides and it expresses emotion and it allows questions and discussion. It shouldn’t include absolutes … I can’t call for ultimatums and we get to admit to each other how we feel. It shouldn’t include promises just an opportunity to try again and do better until the next error as we are all human.

Rage would sum up an emotion. I’ve punched T in the face for hitting on C...found that an affront, that two people have enough against them and now for your friends to be gunning against ya too means you have no safe place. I kicked Jarrett out of the house and told him we were concluding our friendship of 15 yrs for the same with the same guy…course he had already been given a second chance after M. Jarrett never apologized or he never apologized sincerely and admitted to me what even M had. C though was the one to tell me about both so I trusted that he wasn’t the instigator. I will say that whatever your opinion of our relationship was and however justified you may have felt, I’ve always tried to be supportive of your relationships because I know that being on the outside I can’t judge its value to you.

Notice a pattern, my long time friends don’t seem to draw a line at who I’m dating. Not sure if I’m a push over or if it’s insecurity of Louisville people, or if I’ve held on to too many people that should have been spun off. I don’t honestly blame my ex I blame my friends, they’re the ones who are supposed to be more invested in us being friends than someone I’ve just known for 6 months. So that’s why C gets a pass...I accept that I mean less to him. I figure though and it’s all up to you I’ll continue to be available to talk about this and work through it together. It feels unresolved and so for that reason I’m gonna likely acknowledge you when I see ya out, respecting our friendship, but I’m not gonna pretend that it is resolved because I wear my emotions outwardly and they always rise to the surface. When we both want to resolve this I’m sure we can, outside of a bar and offline.
Tags: betrayal, forgiveness, friendship
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