39:07 When you can't get through
I've spent months being vulnerable and taking punches on the chin. I'm fine with it though cause I think its important to show someone you are in it despite it all, I knew I was never perfect but I'm not what I've been made out to be. My ex is convinced and hey so are plenty of others around him I'm sure, that I'm unfaithful. That I went out to sleep around and leave him all alone is this world. I find myself just defending myself and just when I feel like I'm making some ground I get tossed back into the "youre a bad person" pile by the most insignificant thing. When I say making ground, I dont mean anything you would consider any ground. I mean I can talk and listen and do everything I think I can and then he'll let me text him. But then if I dont tag everyone I'm with when I go to a bar then I'm dishonest, and back to my old tricks...so I am reblocked and banished to no communication.
I do things that I consider so romantic and they're met literally with disregard at best...usually I get verbally beat up. In my head I think well at least he's talking to me...and that seems so much better. I recently told him his act that he didnt care about me or us was so good that I didnt believe he ever wanted me, I almost left our last convo cause it seemed like he was so disgusted by the fact we were even speaking. But as I started to walk on he'd step out for a second and that little encouragement was all I needed to stay around for a little more. After I felt like I had totally over stayed my welcome I started to leave and I was surprised that he even stepped out of the house to say good bye to me, its just so hard for me to read what to do or to say, so I have been just saying everything as if I cant get hurt.
I'm getting hurt. Its hard...trying to prove you are the guy you know they want, but constantly getting treated like you've been some abusive tyrant who cheated all the time. I'm not gonna defend myself here cause I spend plenty of time doing it elsewhere but what I will say is that the last BF before my ex never believed I was faithful and that ended us. We dont even speak anymore because its too painful for him, but I never cheated on him even when he did that to me over and over. I knew then that I wasnt risking what I had on some hook up. I've learned to realize the risk cheating brings and I don't and I have a history of not. But I took and take the abuse and just think someday he'll see me for what I am.
Lately though what I am is depressed, beaten and alone after playing by the rules I was told to follow. Irregardless though I know my ex is special and I know I want him and I know his feelings are what he feels so I want to work to bridge the gap and find the place we once had...but he seems dead set on preventing himself from acting like he cares and he seems just as set as the guy I dated before him to teach himself to hate me and cut me out of his life.
I was unblocked from Facebook but not his phone. I was friended online but not in real life. I want real experiences not digital, if he can't be even a friend in real life then whats the point of seeing him online? I didn't want to block him on Facebook, so I just deactivated my facebook. I figure I'll join back when my real life isn't harmed by an online one. I screwed up and I made some dumb choices, I'm hot headed and I'm insensitive but his biggest fault has been showing me that he cares enough to get hurt and tell me he cares, or tell me the relationship he wants. The oddity of things he doesnt see why I wouldnt want a three way with him. I never wanted a two way without him. I always wanted him and then he tells me all I ever wanted was sex from him and that just makes me think ... I cant win. I can't have sex with him or anyone else apparently.
Sex was usually an expression of my feelings for him. I usually top but mostly bottomed for him, cause I wanted him to know how important he was too me. I didnt want to hurt him, I dont want to now. I also dont want to keep hurting myself cause I've been doing it since we ended in March. I told him I would be his friend if he let me and I'd not have sex with him until he wanted to be bfs....after all thats what he wanted. He said all I wanted was sex so I told him that all of my attention was focused on just being in his life. I bet I screwed up there and he thinks thats a sign I dont love him...each time I try to give him what I feel like he is asking for I get hurt.
Setup for failure by the guy I want to succeed with, then treated like I lied when I claimed to love him because I show signs that I'll accept the friendship if thats all he wants. But if I try to say no I am just as into you as I was all this time I cant be heard, he can just see if I go out with others or not and judge the way I live...I just am defeated here, yet I have hope. And multiple people have told me to let go of the hope, and I start to think thats all there is and I feel like he lets me see for a few moments that he didnt let go of his hope either...and then he blocks me. :-)
UGH...maybe its got nothing to do with me at all. I'm just going to try and get back my life and be honest with him if he lets me. I'm not blaming him, I'm not asking him to do anything now, I just wish I had the chance I don't feel I really got.