Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

39:11 Loving enough to let ya go.

Wouldn't this have been the perfect song for me to sing. But based on yesterday I'd be the only one singing it so something lost when something has been gained.

So I don’t know if I’m being romantic or if I’m being dramatic. Manipulative or brinkmanship (Cody is brinkmanship all the way) but until we know motives ourselves who can be sure. I just know a few points that I’m going to see through this weekend.

1. When someone is sorry for something they change their behavior.

Friends have said “sorry” but what have they changed? How have they corrected the imbalance in life’s direction that they had a hand in creating? Right now one of my best friends says he’s sorry for “his mistake” but is he? He hasn’t changed anything...and his mistake was multiple episodes of betrayal, only coming to light by others confessions. He’s really not acknowledged what his mistake was...was it fucking the man I loved? Was it fucking him more than once? Was it lieing to me about it? Was it when he moved him into his home? What was the mistake he’s sorry for and what’s he done to right it? Nothing and that’s what he’s been the first to tell me, nothing.
So I think we see where this has to go.

2. The past can hold you captive.
Can I move forward with someone given our past? I can, but can they? If they can’t you can’t move on together. Each time my ex feels defensive he tosses the parts of our relationship in my face that we’ve agreed to move past. I decided last night to respond with the damning truth from the past and he didn’t like hearing it. I don’t usually remind him about what he has done. There’s nothing productive of reliving hurtful moments unless you want to cling to those past grievances to protect you from future ones. Of course this protection comes at the cost of any future together. The safety of knowing what you don’t like in the past may be worth more to you than the risk of it happening again. But you’ll never know.

3. If he is always leaving you why are you asking him to do it again?

I’m exhausted, I’m not happy and I’m obsessed. I see myself texting the tenth time and think, this is what it can’t will it differently. I’ve laid my cards on the table. He seems to be holding back and hesitating. He withdraws to his familiar places and those don’t include me. He isn’t changing his behavior, he’s still always right, I’m apparently still always wrong, he’s still living where he wants and he’s still leaving me on a whim which is leaving me unable to predict the next day.

4. No one will love someone who is insecure with being loved.

He’s really good at good byes. He’s so practiced with them that you can just scroll up a few days and see how he doesn’t want you anymore and that your lucky he’s offering friendship. That’s making me insecure in my place in his life. He has degraded us to the point that I’m not sure if I can see past the goodbyes.
I want too but I freak out when I’m asked to take him home, and that Home includes the “friend” who betrayed me by trying to replace me. Now I’ve been told no one is trying to replace me, but from where I sit in every and I mean every function this person has stepped up to fill my shoes in my exes life. So he has...and I’m insecure about it and I make comments about it that aren’t comments their indirect generalizations that make me look like an asshole. I don’t want that but I also can’t accept that Sean is taking my place when he leaves me. It may not be sexual anymore, but it was and with trust no longer on anyone’s side do we really want to rely on the thing we are supposed to build before it is built? So to build trust ya can’t test it after breaking it.
I want to be happy. And I can’t be happy when I am damaging the image of my love each time I get hurt returning him to that house.

Sean: I won’t be friends with someone who isn’t a friend to me. His honesty has been secondhand and since his mistake he hasn’t changed anything to my knowledge. He’s shown he doesn’t care, and I’m sure I won’t be missed. ✌️

Cody: I can’t move forward with him if he’s living with Sean. I can’t be a better boyfriend to him than I was if I can’t feel secure with him. He has made attempts at showing me he cares, but I kinda feel like it’s really small and only after grand gestures from me🤕. I don’t think he’s trying to be hurtful I think he just thinks this is the way to stay safe.

He says actions are what he believes in and he questions mine intensely but I point out he doesn’t give me much to hold on too. 🤷‍♂️ I try not to guess what his motives are in his actions. I’ve been told to never assume I know how someone feels, and to be direct and honest with them. 🤤 I listen to his words...and I count his silence even louder than his actions. His words are generally unsupportive of reconciling I do feel like his actions are supportive but then he seems to feel vulnerable and I watch him running away.

So I’m trying a big gesture and taking Cody to Chicago today. He needs to get away, he needs to get somethings figured out for him and I know where up there to get him help. But then after this I think I’ll step back and give him the room to make his choices for himself and find his way.

And it’ll be better for me short term and long term. If I want to move on this is what I gotta do...If I want him this is also what I have to do.

Change has to come somewhere to change things.

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