Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

40:03 What could have changed?

I had been asking myself what changed between one week? He said he wanted to be with me and we were gonna be that team and sent me pics of houses ... then he went south to his home area and we barely spoke as usual and he came back and he didnt want to see me the first night...then the second he never made an attempt to come 4 am it was obvious that things had changed ... a week was all that seperated one state with another. We broke up obviously .. its his go to action when something is bothering him. I was so over that emotion roller coaster, yet again I felt pulled in just so he could push me off in rejection. Sucker punched.
Saw him online I didnt block him I figured the world was big enough for both and I didnt message him on Grindr...but he did block me. Which I mean he hadnt officially blocked me on Facebook...I'm sure I couldnt see anything and I know there isnt any good in looking cause I'm the one who's been rejected ... only thing you can do is try and get away before he decides he's not done pulling ya in and cutting ya back.
So I have a hunch...and hey its good cause it tells me I couldn't and didnt have any say in this, so why block me on Grindr? To prevent me from knowing hes on there looking for I didnt assume...but I noticed today ( I have more than one account ) he was oddly back down in his area just not ... Columbia KY .... my super sleuth figured out een the hotel. No family there, never mentioned there and whys he on Grindr with his family in the middle of nowhere? And he only goes down there once every few months...already down, but not home.
What changed is he met someone down there, not love ... just lust and no work he has to do with this guy. I mean its not unheard of folks...and it explains a lot...( welll if hes with a guy why is he on Grindr? ... cause thats when he likes to go on Grindr )
Its never been about the two of us, its always been about the fear of missing out on some other guy and the inability to see the value in two people. SOO....I feel I suppose better, cause he's ashamed cause if he wasnt then he wouldnt be hiding it. I'm not and I didnt block him. So hes got whatever he is up too to hide, but I guess its all on par with the lessons I think we each have. My fear of letting go and his fear of holding on.We cant learn unless it is this way. Now I have to say, I am learning to let go finally, it has been months and months of misery around him and I chased and chased and in the end you cant love enough for both of you.
I'm fine honestly, its not been a bad time around here...disconcerning that I have no one that I want to plan years and years with but maybe thats what friends are for...not lovers. Give it sometime and the boy wont care about him, new guy will be tired of driving to see him...thats always the nature of what happens when you turn your back on chase what you didn't know you had and then you've lost it.

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