Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

40:05 Thinking of my father

This song and the video weigh a bit on my chest, I cried a few times tonight.  I think its that I and he were at odds so much in my youth.  But then I think the last 10 yrs of his life I felt we grew closer and he became my most trusted advisor in all matters.  And I fell a few times in my 20s...but I was always bailed out by my father who usually knew when the world had taken enough and no lecture was needed just an ear. Now I'm older and Im realizing it has been more so that I'm getting older and seeing the gifts he gave me when I never realized.
As Ive grown older I think he'd be proud.  I think he'd be proud of all his kids and how they turned out.  Oddly I think he'd be surprised how much I and he turned out to be the same...I see that generousity of love and that drive to be loyal and answering the downtimes with as much humor even if others might find it inappropriate.
I'd say I learned its better to take a risk on a loved one everytime no matter how many times in the past they may have let you down.  Its better to bet on those you love and lose than to bet against them and win. My father never bet against me, and I guess thats what I miss most.  I could talk to him and I knew he had nothing in it but my life.
I sat her thinking its been 5 years...went to his Facebook and no ... its been about 7.  I think thats the wild part, because those 7 years are the ones I think he'd have been most proud of ... he carried me to a point where I could do it alone.  I just miss that he missed me finding a direction.
But I still hear his advice, I still feel his measured and steady words.  I'm still his son. 

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