Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler
kymatt19

40:10 I wasn't surprised, its just, when I said I wanted reliable...

I've described my ideal "partner" as "reliable" several times now. That if ya dont know when you're going to see them again, and if they cant commit to plans with me then how can I plan on anything.
Relationships even friendships are built on shared experiences. Doing things...its just a psychological fact. Taking your dog on a walk everyday is a shared experience, you bond. If I've learned much these past couple years in Louisville its that friendships are like gardens. Its cliche and true. If you stop tending it weeds invade and theres nothing worth having if you don't work for it. I'm not mad, just as usual disappointed in my choices.
I think I have to rehome this stupid 2nd dog in a week and work my ass off while in Louisville so I can get back to Chicago. Theres just nothing here for me, I moved here with Justin thinking if anything went wrong I had a support network but I guess I didnt realize he was the support network. Without my Chicago job I freelance work for clients out of state and outside of a few people don't really keep regular contact with anyone here.
Last time I was up there I just had this feeling of being home and I've called Louisville carbon monoxide before...its just proving so true.
The lack of shared experiences highlights that I'm wasting away in an average regional place no offense to the filks I have grown to lean on but also largely filled with average unchallenged people and lousy love interests that while I see the potential in them and us they seem to not or not be able to get out of this Louisville existence of getting by...

A consistent theme in my journal the last year is that I'm not happy, life isn't progressing and it'll only change if I change it.
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