Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

Time to lay them to 2019 isn't haunted like 2018

First a song for Justin. I think I finally got what he meant through this song. He did try and he did build a home with me, gave up what he had in Chicago all on the chance of us. To live though, we had to die. I hope he's living, really living.

Just the cover photos says enough about what we built.

One thing is sure, I stuck to my creed this year...

I'd rather lose and bet on a loved one's success than win betting on them failing.

I figure it explains why you hope that this time will be different even though there is no sign it will be.

But just as I held onto a sense of obligation to that dog I knew I had to get her out of my life. Now the dog is gone and Ive even been complimented on seeming more at peace and calm. So I took that. ;-) Now also as 2018 rolls to its end I have to say that the defining aspect of this year since it started has continued to be Cody and sadly the unmet hopes and dreams I had...consistent to the end under whelmed is what I hope he goes down as but I actually suspect I'd be surprised with how much he did behind my back. Its just consistent behavior with with Ive experienced before...people who live closeted to their family live lies and then live lies to the other parts of their lives as well since lying is already how they live. Its like, thinking that someone isnt going to treat you the way you see them treating others because you think you're special...take out the bias and its obvious you're a fool.
And in the end who really cares? It inst going to slow my life, honestly it speeds up and I let 2018 defined by sorrow, die with its chief focus. Oh I neglected to catch you up ... Cody and I have continued this inconsistent passing where basically he shows up when he wants and leaves when he wants and I'm supposed to just sit on idle while he sleeps the next week. But I know he doesnt sleep...its not only impossible its also disproven by the phone data records when I was covering that. Its those little lies though were its just not important to him to tell you the truth.
Anyhow, I was a little annoyed with him after waiting a week to see him and he went out with this couple he used to sleep with to dinner...and didnt mention it to me. If I did that it would be holy hell to pay. So I was annoyed, and I had signed for and put my reputation on the line for him and gained a contract on Upwork that he would work and Id just give him the $. I dont have time for my own work so I cant do it so its risking everything on him doing what he says he'd do ... and thinking back what an idiot I was...he cant even show up on a night we have plans to go on a date. So I mentioned that to him Friday last week in text and he was defensive and went on irrelevant tangents about me, all projecting his faults and finally I was like...I dont have time to keep rambling around what is happening here, Im having a night and if he wants to join he can. I sent him cab fare over and went out. Kinda thought Id see him ... but nope. He did however break up again with me because of my tone or word choice. For suggesting that he'd screw me over in the contract...what did he do? Exactly that. He scerwed me over in the contract meaning that he's proven himself to be the most dangerous person to my ability to make a living. Most dangerous because he'd accept my trust and agree to allow me to step out in front of a bus and then he'd have me stand there. I told him I couldn't imagine him doing anything worse.
Well wait a day...

So by Saturday hes still acting like hes in the right and he isnt fucking me over while fucking me over...that he isnt breaking up and discarding our relationship yet again over nothing over nothing. Hes basically lied to himself and to me so much he has no handle on whats real. I invite him out he of course isnt responsive I end up running into a guy I have a thing for who does show me attention and who does want to be around and I mean I've been dumped so I go home with him. Then Cody sees that he is here, acts like hes shocked that I am not being faithful to him after he has dumped me, after our time together has consistently sucked for months.

But what happens next is .... its now a habit of Cody's cause hes done it before. He tried to get the guy I was with to come out and leave me t have sex with him and another guy. WAIT ... where did the other guy come from? See Cody doesnt have the ability to host, and he doesnt just meet people so I assume this is his hidden part that he has been busy with while ignoring me. He had come up with a person and a way to sleep with the guy at my house too quick for it not to have already been he wants me to feel guilty while hes at this other guys house after he was the one who dumped me? ... And lets not forget the time half my long term friends fucked him while I was out of town ... it was a revenge thing to get at me...I forgave but that was pretty much the end of our relationship. Since its always been a day or two here and there and every comments when we are together we seem so prefect and apart we seem so bad for each other, and I think its just his double lives...or triple maybe?
Ive thought about it and I know I wont ever trust him, he isnt trustworthy. I cant rely on him and I dont feel comforted by him. He is as I described ... toxic. Hes taken what I offered and tossed it out with out any long term understanding of how it affects us. Maybe he doesnt care, but no I think if he doesnt some day years later maybe he'll wonder what if he hadnt treated me like that, what if he had met me half way. Could I have made him happy? I dont know, I like to think that I would have and he'd have loved living in Chicago and even if we broke up a couple years later he'd know that I changed his life for the better.
Now I dont see much in his future, and lies beget lies and sorrow brings sorrow so he's likely to just be a sad man all his life blaming others and never taking a chance with anyone. BUT ... just like with that dog I got rid of ... its not my fault and I cant change him or his path now. All I can do is get myself back on my path and spend time with the ones who want to spend it with me. And thats what Ive done, I've been happier.
I'm mindfully reminiscent, not of my experiences with Cody ... those are pretty bad really. But I was bringing in groceries and thought of Justin. How he did take a risk on us, how he would help with groceries and how he would clean the house so I could work and how we did things and slept next to one another and I guess I realize Cody wasn't a good distraction from Justin and I parting ... it was like taking the worst of Justin and I and making it the only thing left. No laughing together just the tears. And I mourn that I felt so obligated for what ever reason to improve Cody's life that I allowed a year of my life to vanish in depression from the isolation. I should already be in Chicago, and I'm not going to seek out Justin but I hope I pass him on the street...I owe him a thank you...he was honest with me and he was willing to do the crazy thing of move to Louisville to be with me.
Two boys, so different and so the same but with totally different places in my life, one a waste the other something I can think of and smile about from time to time. I guess, one may have made me a better person and the other just delayed me...and now I'm late for my life.
Gotta go...its almost 2019. In spite of it all though I will say 2018 was a year to build msyelf up from nothing into something. You're gonna hear more about me and SEO in the near future, I may have set myself up for long term success. We'll see...I guess I can thank Cody cause if he hadnt ignored me and expected me to stay home all the time, I wouldnt have worked this hard, even if he has tried to hurt me and set me up for failure. Good begets good, and I think I have good things coming.

Not least but last...a Cody sign off Goodbye song...( anytime I feel tempted to text him I just remember thats all it takes for him to break up with you, ditch financial responsibilities youve tied yourself to him and start trolling anyone he thinks is near me for sex. No I'm not bitter ITS ACTUALLY HOW IT HAPPENED. and kind of a second time he pulled this 24 going on 15 crap.

Im not as hung up or devastated....he would like to think Im embarrassed that he did that all to me? But I dont get embarrassed being every thing he wasnt trusting ... a partner ... honest ... reliable ... I'm not embarrassed, cause the next guy will appreciate it and Ill appreciate him more because of Cody. He'll likely keep shaving his head to hide the bald spots he picks while he sits there hunting for his flaws because he knows deep down that he didn't deserve me, and he'll never pick that off himself.

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