Alrighty. So Shane(6) went to visit my old but not so friend Robert(-3) in Florida. That in itself isnt worth talking about here, but something Shane brought back and told me is and leaves me worried about the gelling of two seemingly fragmented aspects of my life. David(5) says "hello" and theroy has it he will visit Louisville during the holidays...to me I wonder if I'll be a whistle stop on this tour. Lyza (1.5) and Ron (.6) are like the central aspects of my close friends...from there I'd count Arty(2) Robbie (.2) Derrick (2.5) Greg(9) is the only odd ball in my rambling point being people like Brandon(6) David(5) Robert(-3) Selena (4) ...I did talk to her last week...2 years ago these people were the everyday folks my life was entangled with. Fun times, not productive...but youthful.
Anyhow rambling...Its so odd that I'll possibly introduce David (if he shows up) to Ron and Lyza. David and I always used to sit back and recall the time we all did this or that....past year or so he wouldnt know who I am talking about.
So lets look at LOVE. Love only once...I dont think so, a GREAT LOVE yes I hope so. The closest I have come to this is Brandon and David. My dear Ron is stellar and I have no desire to date the other two instead of him, but I cant believe the bonds of years equal to that of months. So while he is climbing the charts, they are nestled in the "Greatest So Far" Love category. So I worry also that Ron will be all worried that seeing David might reignite some desire to be together. Best assurance I can give him about, if David is around...remember who I am with now, I do. I cant forget the past...not going to dwell in it either, but with reverence I honor my past. And David is a very simple motivated guy, he doesnt have a manipulative negative side...so a visit from him shouldnt spell hidden agenda to Ron.
I remember back in the old days "fade into black and white pictures" when I'd be in a room, and think to myself...dont look at David like that, he'll know your so happy to be near him...but I'd catch his eye and I felt like he shared that notion. We were an odd unorthodox pair. Brandon and I were unhappily dating at the time and at an after hours party. Back then we could have 3ways (highly discourage) ... there were alot of cute guys...and this little boy who no one had seen before, i mean he was the picture of innocent...still a virgin, no bfs before...but now discovered. Brandon locked in on him as I focused on another guy...I think that night ended with little exchange from me and David...just the famous dorky line I gave him that he always reminded me of for years..."Hey, I'm Matt. Since we are going to be in the same click I figured I'd say hi." ....yeah....pretty dry. From their I secretly feel Brandon had intentions of replacing me with David. they hung out alot..I didnt hang out...but then Brandon's work schedule changed and now I was the only one free. None of the 3 of us expected their to be anything different than Brandon and David, but thanks to second shift the world changed. I'd defend him in any situation I could. You think his belt at the bar last night(necktie by day) was ugly? HA! You just hate that you didnt look as good as he. One endearing trait about him was beyond his external very cute looks, lay a guy who felt he was the ugly one in the group. Sometimes people who were jealous of David would try to hit that button to hurt him...seriously I watched it and shot back on his behalf .... course a few months later he is holding his own, not an innocent virgin thanks to the newly ex BF of Brandon. I remember once people telling me David once said he didnt care what anyone else thought of him but "Matthew". That was awesome. We never asked either to be anything more than officially friends. That caused friction when David was always hanging out at my house and people (Jeremy Kalin) kept coming over playing the part of worthy suitor. I basically lobbied to have him out of the apartment and told him to ask David on a date, then Jeremy said but he is always here...and I grinned inwardly ....you have your answer. Jeremy for the record is a pretty fun guy, he is cute but we were rivals so no strong bond could really build.
You know we are more than friends...he once told me. lol...I remember me and him making a bet on something stupid and I was like...if I win we have to have sex tonight. If you win I'll give you a blow job. We agreed and kept arguing our case and Robert was like...you two are so funny...either way you get what you want. Honestly I think David and I had a good, but boring now in retro spect sex time. Mostly my lack of inventive positioning, but anyhow...
there was always this bond, bound by the realization that friends out last boyfriends.
David was a facet to my life for nearly 5 years. Heck I remember going to his high school graduation...that was weird, but of these past 5 he has lived in Florida and not been a part of my life, just memories brought on by a familiar song or person. In that time frame I feel like the foundation of my friends has been over turned. I still have my old friends, but the first person I call is usually in this new wave. So much history with one person...but how exciting is history when you can write the book now with someone else?
Ron seems comfortable with Brandon. Derrick I'd say just cause we only dated 6 months was alot easier adjustment. (although I have to admitt our breaking up was prolly my hardest to deal with) I know...I am wierd, instead of leaving my exes, I add them on the friends list. Creates odd things, but ultimately the people that at one point or another in your life that captured your heart...seem to make sense as your support network. Brandon I suppose is the queen of the exes of my life. He corrected me one day..."I'm not your exBF, I'm your ex husband." He was right, 3 years together (screw the laws) makes calling someone your BF like calling a 747 a paper airplane. I think the David visit will happen at some point, hopefully the person I date realizes that I am theirs, but a part of you always belongs to your Great loves, to be remembered. Course their are the other X factors, Kevin (supposed to have dinner with him so he can meet Ron in cincy) their is Anson...(the most disconnected one), Brian (ours was a perfect long distance relationship until he moved to Louisville) Poor Poor Ron...he also has my under study group...the almost bfs but I just couldnt do it group. :-) My failed relationships seem to dot the gay landscape of Louisville...oddly Ron has had more ex boyfriends but I guess because I make such a point to stay in touch my lesser number becomes the one that requires adjusting too. How bout a blast from my past...complete with pictures of the old days +++++++++++++++http://kymatthew.itgo.com/index1.html this will take you back in time to may 2003. Pics of everyone mentioned...
There was little point to all this said, but a glimpse at the thoughts I have while sitting at this laptop fresh from a long drive alone. Goodnight!
Always have to learn from it all, and keep your eyes focused on what is ahead.