Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

contempt for the familiar

Con te Partiro is a song that I played over and over after Brandon.  Brandon as you may remember from previous admissions is the boyfriend that meant and means still the crowning moment of my romantic existence.  While three years seperates our love affair, it lasted three years that I still believe to be the highlight over my twenty seven years on this earth.  I do not know if it was him in it, or if it was just the golden years of my life....but in the end it is unavoidable for me to not note his existence parrels and signed the beginning and the end of the happiest points within myself.  Sure David was a great love, but he coexisted during the same time frame.  Not to knock anyone but I often look back on those years as the time I most would want to revisit.  I told Brandon this weekend I loved him.  Just random and unsctructured in our conversation.  I don't think I needed to explain, I didn't mean anything but those simple three words.  No hidden meaning, no alternative motive...just simply ..... I loved him. 

So this week has been a roller coaster of emotions.  The theme lately has been "contempt for the familiar."  I am bored and tired with the last years of my life.  An unnoteable collection of months and days inwhich I have missed the flair of who I was and who I should be. 

Last night was not familiar.  I found myself experiencing a night I described as "something I would do for someone but no one does for me."  High atop a park ranger station 40 miles away from civilization a new romance introduced me to a site that swayed with the wind, so high it tested my fear of heights.  It was pitch dark a top that hill...we saw more deer than lights.  A sky full and dotted with stars.  I felt in touch with so much, so distant from the city I could barely see as only a collection of light far off in the southern sky. 

It is time to be


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