Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler


I can't sleep. I keep remembering feelings that are almost foreign. I have been in love for years with a guy that I have never taken for granted. A guy that each of us have watched the other date people and not been too jealous. A person that I've talked about in this journal as catching myself...thinking "Dont look so happy to see him." when we stand in the same room. A guy that when I got drunk I'd whisper to him that one day I know I'd be with as so much more.
Someone that I told others I didnt date because I'd never want to lose him. His laugh brightens my life, his eyes encompass my world. Last night he held my hand through our sleep. His lips touched my back, my lips and my soul. We have been here before, but we normally stand back just enough to stay safe. Fire and gasoline react the same way. Not destructive but all consuming. I am sleeping on his pillow and I am blissfully reminded of the years of companionship. I have so much to say to him and I have the courage to say so little. I sent him a text message in an attempt to get off my chest that he is in my head.
"I am trying to sleep but your keeping me awake. I need to say, thank you for being in my life." Everything I see brings back memories.
I don't know what life exhibits in it's entire journey. I just know that I am 26. And when I was 22 I was introduced to him. He has been a figure that overshadows so much and so many. From day one he has intrigued me and through these years my attention has never waved regarding him. Can I ever love like this again? Could I ever want to love anyone like this other than him? I could never let it end, but I also am afraid to step any further than where I am with him.
How often do you find a person who is everything and everything is him?
It has taken me 26 years to find one. Even when he lived a 1000 miles away I knew I would see him again and with his return I've tried to be mindful of not jeopardizing what I have now. What do I have now? Everything.
Last night we slept with our hands clutching the others, his kiss on my neck, mine on his arm, his stomach pressed against my lower back, our legs intermixed, they're was not enough room for clothes, nothing but us...each expressing what we rarely say but what we both have always known. A love scene that couldn't have been produced. I don't have to say I love him, he knows. He doesn't have to say what he thought in Florida...I felt it.
I hope everyone has a person at some point that can mean so much to them. I am lucky that I found him years ago. I just know that it will be the same twenty years from now and the scope of this is almost too awesome for me to express or to recreate.
Tomorrow I will go about my day and he will go through his and he'll be a a part of every moment. I am drunk from his existence.

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