...................gotta keep myself always in a state of challenges.
So I got the yellow official judge signed letter today informing essentially on July 25 at 9 am Matt Leffler will need to be in a tie standing up for himself and representing the trials of affronts to my world. I should have been a lawyer cause I shine in these scenarios. Class, Grace, Honest will be the keywords as I hold little back from expressing the irrational behavior of others in light of my attempt to save mutual goals. YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH.....scene comes to mind as I look for my appearance. Essentially all it needed to say was.....
"Here comes the sun, here comes the sun And I say it's all right Little darlin' it's been a long cold lonely winter Little darlin' it feels like years since it's been here Little darlin' the smiles returning to their faces Sun, sun, sun, here it comes "
I am writing this as I work on a web page client's site to "Ode to Joy." I firmly have learned that at least in my own life...the music I surround myself with directly effects my perception and course of action.
About 4pm today I popped my head above the wall of pillows (9 deep) and scrambled from my 3 comforters to address the roommate's questions. My slumber was shattered by the emergency broadcast of Selena's ongoing attempt to get me to carry her shit out. BUT...as some people have not attempted to cover their expenses and decided that as of July 1 they were no longer affording any monetary contributions towards a bill that I will ultimately take the fall for .... I have no intention to lift a paper bag. Plus it is July 11 and your still sliding out the door. Isn't it ODD...that last year I lived alone and had NO money issues while this year I had two roommates each who have or are moving out under the smoke of the invaders. Desertion warrants no tears as I have learned that Matt Leffler has always proven to be the one you want in your schedule of crisis management. SO...remove your contributions and I may find I have more to contribute now.
Wednesday to Sunday I have been bitchy towards the central focus of any longing.....David. Apologies have been expressed and I realized that I have been seeking affirmation of my attention. ....... ...... From a person who has been around for 5 years, stood just far enough away when I dated others, stood closer when I dated no one, someone whom I have found joy in his laughter and a reason. So what affirmation am I after?????
Cause if I were David I think I'd pull my hair and slap Matt Leffler exclaiming " Shut up, ... actions not words.....remember?? " So now I'll just enjoy the fact that I have everything I want really and if I gain more then welcome it with surprise. I've loved him for so long, and after all has been said and done, he is still him. The face I've memorized, the one I believe in ... although he never asked me too. I look up too everything he does and in my eyes you do no wrong. I feel better about myself knowing that I saw that in another person and know it is a rare experience.
I start my new job next week. http://www.QAWeb.net has closed it's first sale and collected $500 this weekend. I redesign my site daily...lol...nothing can be good enough when your performing on yourself.
With all of this noted...I realize that I must make choices and show contempt for the easy rationalization of luck. Let me fall if I must fall. Let me climb if I can climb. There is a moment when fear and dream must collide. Someone I am is waiting, the one I want to catch me. The one I will become. I wont hear your warnings. I dance with freedom and you can hold me only if you two will fall or climb with me. There is no reason to miss this perfect moment to fall.
Relying on others for help is friendship. Relying on others forever is self destructive.
Welp, ... I have reached a certain aspect in my changing world. A mental state of reconciliation that life is as tough or hard as you make it. I am undergoing a realignment of casting, venues and state of mind. I no longer will serve as a refugee for emotional illiterates or self challenged reactionaries, my future goals shall take in account an appreciation for the motivated. So pardon my self preservation some of us want to experience the satisfaction of getting to the top without being carried. We'll get through this and so CAN you. See you there.