Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler

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Tell me who'll be there

And we're back!

Anyhow....updates and museings are to follow. Updates: None really. Physical self is as it has always been. The environment and tactile world remains as last reported. Yet it seems so transitional. My being is essentially in transformation that was paused. March 1 offers the next step to morphing into a new chapter.
Museings: How can something so easy and so wonderful be so difficult and cause so much distress? Unraveling provides a familiar feel to me like a common next stop in the circle of love. Yet the YoYo of emotion seems determinded to spring back and regain the momentum. But with each bounce energy is lost. For feel ignored and you feel downgraded.

You find yourself telling them " I'd rather be called a girl in Louisville than no one." Only so long can someone not exist until you find that self full-filling prophecies are dangerous.

Your expected to entertain the ideas and notions of conservative movements that directly assualt your love and life. When it is just the two of you their can't be any two bodies so perfectly in concentric orbits. But as you add the elements of others you begin to notice a seperation. Is it cause he must act a certain way with others? The conduct of these actions leaves you asking yourself if you should kiss him...well he didnt kiss you in front of them for the three or so hours you were "together" so maybe not. But remove the remains of that so called straight life and lets suppliment a gay male that you two don't know. He is determined to make friends in a gay bar...sometimes they think we are together...a few times they think we are his mouth to their ear. You find out they think your not together when they tell you after you have been looking for an effort to ward off your presence. Yes new friends who have been in place for maybe 30 minutes who think your single now are really going to provide the best advice towards your relationship. IF they were ... they'd tell you to go find this person who means so much to you. Remember that YoYo is losing energy with each snap back you play.
How can you rely on someone and expect the best when you find loyalty from only your exes? Who will be there in MY hour of need? It is odd because as struggle becomes apparent I turn to the same familiar faces that nurture. These faces seem absent of the one that the struggle evolved with. As these exes reach their need times you confidently know your going to be there cause you are indebted to them.
I think it is no secret that I am consuming....I'd like to think that since I feel I return that assumption of attention and focus it is possible to meet my expectations. BUT I've noted previously that while I'll try my best to display my affection for you ... once I feel that it is fruitless I shut down that spotlight rather swift. This journal tells of a guy that is demanding...that also demands the same from himself. I don't do well turned away. Constant conflict grows tiring. Being upset with me because I answered your call on a different phone line than the one you first dialed only conditions a constant high alter readiness for disaster. And why shouldn't I be planning for that disaster? You have admitted that you want friends up here that arent connected to me so that if I am absent from your life you can continue in this town without me. Who is brushing off their online profile and in doing so sending out the message your single? So what if you aren't going to cheat on me...if I am not important enough to be acknowledged as a living soul...then maybe I am being cheated on spiritually? I've already asked "how much stock have you put into this relationship?" NO I AM NOT ASKING FOR AN OUTING. I'd just like to exist. I'd like to know your sharing with these girls in Campbellsville that you have a wonder "girl"friend in Louisville. Rather than you allowing them to think your courting them.

Who is searching for cover?.....and then yelling at me when I ask if disaster is coming? Visualize: Your under a desk and yelling at my for standing up and asking if the sky is falling.

Situations take the blame. But then who created that situation?

Honestly....I find myself asking if I am just dating at the wrong point in someone's life? But then if IT IS meant to be...can they're ever be a wrong time? Can we endure the struggle and realize serenity after the impass?
Historically I look at the past attempts to build a future with others and I see a demonstration of failures. Often blamed on the situation. Lessons learned of how to treat the other seem to repeat. Another NOT to allow others to treat you. For instance I've never told people at the gay bar that I just broke up with someone...when I anticipate that is not true. When the other never said we were breaking up but you read into a message that so many others can see as black and white: not a break up. Could you have just been looking for an excuse to present yourself to others as available. And then the inappropriateness of accepting numbers in this context.... which you point out you left at my house cause they were nothing to you. Betrayal. You accepted these and cared enough to have them until the moment I asked you if you had picked up numbers. Yes I know....a little thing. But isnt this posting about many little things.

Our friends...both yours and mine think of us as a violent mess. This lack of respect for a relationship doesn't produce advice from our circles that uplifts our future. Why do they think of us as flighty and dramatic? Because as we have progressed we've built an uneven playing field for a game. Games don't lead to a healthy relationship. I have found....that in games you only find how wonderful the grand prize was.....after you've lost. Me telling you on the phone that I am not going to talk to you when your acting a certain why...means I am asking you to stop. Not to do what you do which is to hang up. Thats just a play... in an attempt to control the situation. you chose that dead air...remember that it will take more than just you to fill that dead air again. And yes...they're is a chance that you will only find dead air when you try to reconnect.
At present I hang out only with people who you know. I dont accept numbers. I dont tell others that I am single. I don't take jobs that will interfere with our limited time. I didn't move to Chicago because I want you more than the city I exist in...I've changed key habits of myself even at the protest of long time friends. I have put much of myself aside, and if I don't exist even when we are together at the gay bars I must change my investment strategy. I'd rather risk things to fix them than to continue watching this YoYo.

But they're are two sides. And I make my mistakes. Why do I argue? Why do I lose my cool when confronting these issues? Why have I posted...why do I portray my pain? Cause I rely on you to be strong. I want us to be the one we can expect to pick each other up not turn each other away. Last night you acted like u didnt know I had these feelings...wake up. I have been waving a caution flag for weeks. For us to sustain this we have to notice the signs each other is calling into attention. Honestly I ask is it a mistake to date a person in the closet and expect them to treat you as you want to treat them? These betrayals of my existance pull like a tide towards full filling this prophecy.

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