Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler
kymatt19

4:3

New Years...even the cocktails couldn't take away from a fantastic year. I just came away from chilling with an old friend from the bar that reminded me so much of my past. Officially here we go:
DRUGS: I've seen them, I've done them and I've also been subject to seeing the destruction they leave. I lost the LOVE OF MY LIFE years ago to crystal meth. One night as my BF of 3 yrs was all upset he told me...when I get upset I turn to Tina..the club name for cysrtal....I could never compete. I could hold him, cry for him, kiss him and love him and I still didnt hold the worth that a 1 inch by 1 inch baggie held in his life. Me and my friend discussed this whole aspect of "gay" life...and I told him what I say now...I put my faith in people...not a powder. Which is why I am NOT with the person I figured I'd spend my life with. I long to be with him. I love 2 people...and he is the other one, Brandon. If he ever gave up that aspect of life I'd be right beside him...my friends would say that i was stupid for standing with him....but the idea of being with your soul mate eclipses all else. I havent spoken to him in sometime...he made some decision which I couldn't support...and thus I am from boy to boy now....longing for the world i had once upon a time. The only thing holdin me from that is drugs....Brandon....I love you. I will always love you. No matter how you hurt yourself and then me you'll always be the one I would pick....but until you can pick me over a drug...we cant speak. I LOVE BRANDON. I HAVE NEVER EVER MET A BOY IN MY LIFE THAT HAS TOUCHED ME THE WAY HE HAS. I search for others....but still search for him.
David....is the other. I will always love him too....but I will always be plagued by the same problem as Brandon.
I am hopelessly screwed...because the two people I value above anyone else...value something other than a person over me.
I still had a fabu night....kisses where flying like crazy....new years eve propositions where passed to me every 30 minutes...but I swung away from those...why??? Because...the ones I truely wanted to stand next too...are too busy standing by the creators of the demiss of their lives.
SO.....I leave you now...off to bed. Haveing had another great new years..filled with flirts, kisses, and martini's....and filled with an inner longing to reconnect with the ones that I have passed by simply because they werent moving in life.
There are alot of awesome people in my life. Arty, Derrick, Shane, Greg, John, Lyza....you all are important to me...but I will always wonder what could have been....if I could have taken the space of a white powder.
Drugs are great...they fill you with love and they leave you just as fast as you take them. After they leave you are alone more than you have ever been...because the ones that banked on you....have moved on to seek out someone who will believe in them too.
To 2004...a year with unparrelled delights. But honestly...all I really and truely want is Brandon or David....in that order. Until then, may I find someone who values the embrace of another as much as me.
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