Matthew Leffler (kymatt19) wrote,
Matthew Leffler
kymatt19

Suicide

Greetings....:-)

So real quick...this is a posting that requires more info but I am ready to make...

Back in August of 2005 I was ready and preparing to kill myself. I was going through alot of changes that I had NO control over any longer. As some may recall I was being Evicted (if I hadnt moved out) from my home of 6 years.....it was more than that to me. ANYONE you could ask thought of me as being at that home...it WAS my identity...and one night...as the power was off...and my mother was pissed at me for missing an apointment with her...I decided no one knew or cared. In a conversation started by my sister she taqlked to me and en ded with "you've hit rock bottom and I am calling dad." I told her....to remember that I never called her for help. That night I hadnt called anyone for help. Calling for help with the thoughts I had in my head would have been a sorry cry for help. I didnt want to be a pathetic cry for help. I wanted to end it and do it right. I had devised the idea of leaving a message on asia's voicemail telling her that by the time she had received this message I was dead. I needed her to come down to my apartment and I let was going to let her know I was in the bathroom where I had slit my wrist in the bathtub. ( hot water prevents the blood from cloting and I knew that cutting up the arm and not across it would serve my purpose best). She would be the one charged with the task of covering the loose ends I couldnt. But as I thought out my letter...calling out each person in my life and expressing to them what they meant to me...the person at that time that meant the most too me called me. David didnt say much...just that he thought I sounded upset...and he acted like he was worried....and so that night,...I didnt do what i felt would prevent me from a life of short relationships and a life of losing my home. He was the one who needed to call me and he WAS the one who called. If you look back on my journal of Aug. 2005 I preach of him....anyhow....he called. The one that could change all...and it did change just by his action of showing interest. Tonight I told him about that...its almost a year later but I wanted him to know that I owe so much to his one call. I would have missed Brent....my best chance for happiness. I would have missed so much life. and ...because he was a friend....and because of my other close friends...I made it through my worst moments. Placing it into perspective I had just ended a year long relationship....I was being evicted from my home of 6 months...and I was no where near where I wanted to be in any aspect of life.....but then within the moment of my biggest needs he called. I assured him all was well. And the conversation ended and I went to sleep. I still had to leave that place. But I met brent. I found a new home and I retained my friends. His call allowed me to find what was important.

End result....

Yo never know how much you can mean to someone until after it has happened. I owe my life to David and my heart to Brent. What a weird world.

And no....I am past that now....I have so much now...and I think how stupid I was that night....but then...on that night it seemed so perfect an escape. Knowing about Kendall's death also resolutes in my head....no matter the situation....it can and will improve.

I LOVE.... David for being the long standing person in my life.....I LOVE....derrick for being the most like me in my life that I can relate and cherrish....and I LOVE BRENT....for giving me a future that I thought was impossible.

So remember....no matter how it gets....someone is there....while you may not know them yet...or maybe you do and your confused as to who they should be in your life....(David and Derrick) someone is there....and is for you. ( Brent )
So good night...and I love you all. Never give up.
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